Scud Heartbreaker


Is anyone out there? I'm seeing a few people back on LJ, and thought I'd drop a post. I have been on and off LJ in past couple of years but mostly lurking or making private posts. Anyway, I hope everyone is well.
  • Current Music
    One More Light - Linkin Park

So much

So much to write about it, but so little time. My uncle passing, school, life, my health. I need to be working though. *sigh* I think everyone who matters had a good Mother's day. Melissa, my mom, my sister, my SIL. I had a shitty morning, I don't know, I need to get over it. But what's the point. It's disheartening. Fuck, six more weeks or so, just have to put my head down and grind.

It's what I do best.


Today I say goodbye to my thirties. Fuck. I had a lot I wanted to write down, but all of a sudden, it doesn't matter. Maybe I'll get to it tomorrow. I'm down, not depressed, just a lot of things are getting me down. The whole situation with CPS and how people think we're greedy teachers that don't deserve what was promised to us. The whole Trump situation, I still can't believe it, and it is difficult to see how ugly the whole thing has gotten. Eh, I don't feel very...articulate at the moment. I couldn't wait to jump on here to write, but I'm tired.

That's mostly what it is, I'm tired. Tired of work, of talking about striking. Tired of finding out what type of people some of my friends and family really are. Tired.

I need help. Maybe just a little. I don't know. Like I said, I was feeling philosophical and wordy and stuff I'm just bleh.

LJ is bleh.

I am so smart

S M R T.

Is this thing on?

Fuck. I'm amazed I could even remember my password. Not even sure what I wanted to write about, eh. It's been a day. It's been a rough couple of weeks, er...months. I just wanted February to be over because it sucked, but March has been kind of tough too. Lots of depressing shit going on. That's life, I know, but it gets to you. Between Oren's death and Don's story the other day, and some other stories and people passing away...I don't know. Now Irma's brother is in a coma. Things have got to change. I keep saying that, but..fuck what did coach O used to say? Words without actions, or faith without action, I don't remember, but I know what I mean.

Faith without works is dead. That's it.


Anyway lots to write about, but again, I think it's all covered in Facebook. Fuck Facebook, but it is what it is. Birth, School, Work, Death, right?

I'm rambling.


I'm too easily distracted and I don't have enough time to do everything I'd like to be doing. Facebook sucks, time I would spend here is easily spent looking at people's posts and posting small twitter-esque status updates. I guess everything that has been going on in my life is probably on Facebook somewhere, somehow but it's lost to me. In the ether, I don't know. Anyway, LJ used to be the place where I would write about the important and not-so important stuff going on in my life. It's nice to be able to look at posts from years past and immediately remember the moment in time. A lot has changed in my life over the past few years and I feel like I've been neglecting the moments, so to speak. I don't know. There's a school of thought that would argue that you enjoy or remember the moments more if you don't try to capture them or hold on to them. That you should just enjoy them. "I'm too busy living my life to write about it" someone once posted on here. True, and I suppose the holding on to moment thing is true too but it's nice to have a record. My memory/recall/retention is not the greatest, but just reading a couple of sentences takes me back. I'm rambling, I guess I just regret not writing more about my kids, about getting married, going back to school, experiences in class, my observations and my student teaching. The whole interview process and finally getting a job. Now I'm not writing about the actual job. There's been fire drills, screaming children, balls lost on fire escapes and out windows, blood, urine, sweat and tears. Bad teachers, good teachers, frustration, traffic, and Transformers blowing stuff up and getting in the way. (The movie has been filming all over town, heh)

I don't know, you've got to have priorities I guess, like I should be sleeping right now, I have to be up in about five hours. Our schedule is hectic, it sucks sometimes, it really sucks. But that's life right? That's the point I guess, birth, school, work, death right? Eh...anyway, I miss hearing from a lot of you, I miss catching up on LJ, and the olden days in general.

I'll try to try.


(no subject)

Franz Kafka, the story goes, encountered a little girl in the park where he went walking daily. She was crying. She had lost her doll and was desolate.

Kafka offered to help her look for the doll and arranged to meet her the next day at the same spot. Unable to find the doll he composed a letter from the doll and read it to her when they met.

"Please do not mourn me, I have gone on a trip to see the world. I will write you of my adventures." This was the beginning of many letters. When he and the little girl met he read her from these carefully composed letters the imagined adventures of the beloved doll. The little girl was comforted.

When the meetings came to an end Kafka presented her with a doll. She obviously looked different from the original doll. An attached letter explained: "my travels have changed me... "

Many years later, the now grown girl found a letter stuffed into an unnoticed crevice in the cherished replacement doll. In summary it said: "every thing that you love, you will eventually lose, but in the end, love will return in a different form."


It's been a rough week, it's been real aggravating but I just had a talk with my dad that put it into perspective. I didn't get to watch a down of football this weekend, or get to see Local H, but that's life, ugh. Actually, I'm still depressed about it, I guess the talk didn't do all that good then, lol. I mean, I know, I'm lucky to have kids, healthy kids, and a roof over my head, a loving family, it's just that I feel like I have no life. Like what's the point of all this luck, hard work, etc. if I can't stop to enjoy it.

I don't know, I feel like I'm this soulless robot, a husk, I go to school every morning, all day, come home do homework, repeat. No time for anything else. No friends, no life nothing. I know its almost over, but then what. School will be replaced with work. Unappreciated work at that, where I'll be vilified because I'll be making too much money for not doing shit. Right.

Whatever. Things just suck right now. Its sad but I think it is true, I don't have any friends, not really anyway, how much do Facebook friends count? It's all bullshit. I can't sit and have a beer with someone, even if I had the time. Fuck. I just don't get the point sometimes.

Oh, the whole fur trading things ended up being kind of fun, for a while, it got old quick though. Still, I'm glad I went. Fuck the canoe trip though, lol.