I'm overflowing with shit to write about. Where do I begin? I really should be pissed again tonight, you see I have this device called an I-pod, and this morning during my usual listen to music before kids get to school routine, it freaked out. It's still freaking out, and when I try to attach it to my cpu, it crashes my cpu. So I am out an I-pod at the moment. Perfect timing I might add, it doesn't break when it's 20 below out or 100, not when I drop it, several times, but no, at a completely random time. The same FUCKING DAY THE NIRVANA BOX SET comes out. So now it's on my I-tunes, but not my I-pod. Sad, I know, I'm totally crushed. I really should be it's just that I'm so excited about the Nirvana set. It's great.
I don't care what anyone says, Kurt was passionate, insane in his own way, but underneath all of the shit, the music is so...real. Some of these songs just blow me away, but I'm probably not going on the music alone. From reading several books about him, Heavier than Heaven, Journals, etc. and about his murder/death, watching the docs, it's just obvious that he had so much pain in his life. Like we all do. It just seethes out of his lyrics, his vocals. Technically sound, masterful, legendary guitarists, they'll never use these words to describe Nirvana, and I don't care. I don't think most of their fans would either. Listen to Rape Me, About A Girl, Jesus..., Where Did You Sleep Last Night, and many more. They're really amazing. Then again what do I know? Maybe I'm biased.
Listening to these songs reminds me of better days, and of worse ones. If it was up to me, I would have named the box set "Bittersweet". That's the best way to describe it, you remember the good times, the great songs, the whole coming of age, the coming of grunge. You also remember the drugs, fuckin' Courtney, and ultimately that day he was found... Most people my age probably remember what they were doing when they found out. I can tell you I was by my locker when someone mentioned it. It didn't strike me all at once, to be honest with you I think I was still "experimenting" with all types of music at the time. However, I do remember that Nirvana, along with the Pumpkins, was turning me on to the Rock. I was never into the hair bands, I probably liked G 'n R, Metallica, but that was about it. Then grunge came along.
Anyway, listening to this reminds me of high school, of college, the dorms, NIU. Friends, parties, fights, working out, games, loves, road trips, basically...life.
I'm so lonely, but that's okay, I shaved my head ...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard ...
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there ...
But I don't care
I'm so horny, but that's okay ...
My will is good
My girl, my girl, don't lie to me
Tell me where did you sleep last night
One baby to another says -
I'm lucky to have met you
I don't care what you think
Unless it is about me
It is now my duty to completely drain you
Do it and do it again
Rape me my friend
Well, I'll shut up about Nirvana now, obviously their music has meant a lot to me and I'm real happy we've gotten to hear a bit more, to experience a little more of their undeniable talent. It's also heartbreaking to think, to wonder, to imagine what they'd sound like now.
In other news: If you haven't voted in my little poll, please do so. Don't worry I'm not getting married, there's still plenty of Gilhouse to go around, it was just a heated topic of conversation that came up last night, so it piqued my curiosity. Oh btw I'm still jinxed. If you know of a way to get rid of my "jinxness" let me know. All I can do is laugh, well after I cry, it's so amazingly shitty. Like this morning, what are the fucking odds you know?
Is daydreaming healthy? I mean is it really? I can imagine all these different possibilites, different lives if you will. Someone else has mentioned this to me as well, and as I'm sure a lot of you do, you can imagine different lives for yourself. I'm definitely not where I want to be right now, not in a happy space. But are we ever? Who's content? When and if you do reach that level, where you're actually happy or fulfilled, then what? Hmm, where am I going with this? Well, is it a good thing? Positive? Or is it just false hope. Pipe dreams. Just a year ago, things were so different. Looking forward to the new year, to this year, I had, dare I say it, hope. It's funny how everything changes.
Why do people even use that word, what's so funny about it. It fucking sucks. So many possibilities. I could be in Hollywood right now, struggling to get something read or maybe I could have been livin' large by now. I could be somewhere in Mexico, working as a DJ/Promoter in one of the tourist spots, luring unsuspecting tourists to night clubs. Maybe on a another dimension, I'm actually a lawyer, helping people, or making money. Possibly a cop, a detective solving crimes, saving lives, making a difference. In another world, I see myself in Florida, happy, content. Then again I could be backpacking across Europe, visiting Spain, Ireland. Doing a book signing tour, promoting my next film, on tour with my band. Or, simply, here in the Chi, married, a rugrat or two, happy, a family man.
But I'm going to bed tonight, none of these things, nowhere near being any of these people. Stuck here in my reality, on my dimension, living on our Earth. Wondering if I'm better off not thinking about the future, living in the now, bored with the past.
Thanks for reading, truthfully yours,