Gil (fenyx) wrote,
Gil
fenyx

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You've worn me down...

I actually had a good day, and I've been having a couple good ones...it's scary. I'm not even sure why they've been okay. I guess I'm a sucker for the holidays eventhough mine are toast. Hmm, looking back I guess it's a combination of signing Nomar and Walker, the Bears winning, and spending some time with good friends. Watched Blade:Trinity this morning, and ran a few errands I needed to get done. I enjoyed the movie, it's probably the weakest of the three but it's still good. Lots of action, one-liners, and dead vampires. What else do you need? HHH was good in it as well, but he's no Rock. I also made it to Best Buy, picked up Dodgeball (Fuckin' Chuck Norris) and the Billy Madison/Happy Gilmore two pack, you can't beat that with a stick. I liked playing hooky, today was...interesting. I'm realizing I really don't like my job all that much. I'm getting burned out again. Not just at work I guess, I need my muse, I need inspiration.

During a slight meditation this morning, I realized that I've been trying to work on my soul, trying to fill a void these past couple of years. Unfortunately I've been neglecting my physical self and my intellectual self. My spirit's as good as it's going to get, I tried, what else can I do. I've got to start cracking on the other two. Try to either make more money, sell a goddamn screenplay, or work on new material. I guess I'll be needing that soul after all. Fuck. I really have to start working out too. I need to get unhealthy about it, to get obsessed, overdo it. All or nothing, that's how it's got to be, I've got to go big. Or not go at all.

Hmm...I was ranting in my mind earlier. I don't know, but I can feel myself coming down, I was getting quite aggravated a bit earlier, oh and I need to work on my site, I pretty much shut it down because it's so lame. Just left a link to this joint. I'm going to try to work on it and combine my profiles from all the other places I'm hooked up at. Also have to start with the yearly password changes, can you believe I still have some pws set as my Ex's name and combination of bday,etc. I'm so emo and lame.

Fuck, I'm like frustrated, annoyed, upset, tired, and okay all at the same time. Hmm, maybe it's got to do with the fact I haven't had a drink all month? Or actually all week, whichever. Grrr...

I want to see cities burn. I want to pick up all these little fucks running around, these wastes of flesh, line them up and blow their heads off one at a time. The ones that picked on you, belittled you, spray painted their words of hate, spewing flith from every orifice. I want to be in control. I want to study you, learn your every move, and enter your world, just to destroy it. I'll gain your trust, win over your friends, and then fuck you over. Every person who wronged me, forgot me, lied to me, I want them all to pay. With interest. I want to create a virus that'll dissolve your insides in a matter of hours, and I want to be the only one with the cure. I want to be able to make anyone who looks at me cross-eyed vanish. I want men to fear me and women to desire me. My dreams, my fantasies, my aspirations, my ideas, my life, I want it all to come true. At your expense. I want to disappear.

Or maybe I'm full of shit and I want chill and watch Law and Order. Whichever.

-Gil
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