Gil (fenyx) wrote,
Gil
fenyx

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Cumbersome

I need to cut something out of my life.  I was able to cut out comics/toys/statues/collectible a couple years back.  So which do I pick? Movies, Music, Video Games?  Do I resubmit my proposal/contract for ASM?  Hell, it's probably too late anyway.  They were dicking me around with hours, and my checks so it might be for the best.  Thanks to the No Child Left Behind Act, a lot of my co-workers will be out of work pretty soon.  Thanks to the Navy, I'll be right there with them.  The vote passed, the Navy's on its way in come fall.  I used to like Daley, but a lot of the shit he's being doing lately, raising taxes, etc.  People then wonder why I lean towards the right.  I need to lose some weight, enough is enough, I've been steadily gaining for the last two years.  I don't get it, I was doing something non-stop all summer.  The cages, jogging, baseball, whatever. 

We're all going to die.  People around me are dying left and right, and it always seems to be during the holidays.  I'm probably not very far behind.

I need to write.  Maybe I'll write that movie that betty_page wants to see. 

In movies, the guy always comes back after the tragic fight/breakup and they realize how much they missed each other and how love is more important than whatever they had going on in their life.  You know, he gets off the plane, he flies back from wherever...he shows up at her door.  In real life, this has never happened to anyone, and most certainly not myself.

Movies need to be more realistic, I believe that's what she said.  I concur, X never marks the spot.

I'm still pinning over a girl that could probably careless about me.  The one before that one, whom I practically moved in with, left me when her Ex came back into the picture.  The current one is unavailable in every sense of the word. 

I hate my job.  Not so much the work, but our kids are scumbags, rude, wastes of flesh.  For the most part.  My co-workers are idiots, slackers, incompetent morons.  The Principal is retiring.  The new one, if things work out for the worst, will be an asshole that half the school hates.  The other half kisses his ass. 

I need you to tell me what to do?  How do I fix this?  I don't know what to do with my hair?  I need money.  I'm lonely.  I need to find another place to live.  Should I leave Chicago?  Every house, every corner, every street tells a story, some I wish I could forget.  Then again, certain songs do the same thing, how can I run away from those?  Should I drive my car off LSD into the lake?  Would disappearing do the trick?  Move to Mexico, Montana, Europe, somewhere far away.  Endor? 

I'm getting older, the world seems to be passing me by.  I was at the Metro last night with bettydiamond and the_mighty_twit. It was a great night, a once in a lifetime set, but I felt so old.  Not because of these two so much, but I swear I saw a couple of students there, it was an 18 and over show, and I felt like the oldest guy in the joint.  The kids at school keep me young, hip with what the kids are doing these days.  What if I wasn't there?  I think I'd be a lot older than I am now.

Friday night we all went out.  bigkid76 was there, others were too.  People were drinking, we hit two bars.  My younger brother was out with us.  He got drunk, they got drunk, everyone got fucked up.  I alienated a few of my friends, f'ed up a relationship or two, and people started hitting on other people.  My brother and Jules ditched me and took off in my car.  At one point I was about to fight with my brother in the middle of Sheridan.  Right in front of where my uncle used to live, I'm telling you, every fuckin' street.  Fuckin' Rogers Park.  We haven't spoken since.

What have I been up to?  Absolutely nothing.  I haven't been writing, the world doesn't need my words.  But I'm going to try to be constructive.  Try to begin some kind of productivity.  Take more pictures, write more, starting today, starting now.  I'm going to try to set up an LJ for my pictures, inspired by Lisa's photo_a_day.  Starting New Year's, we'll see what happens.  Even as I write this, there's probably more important things I should and could be doing.  I also want to catch up on some movies, on some bulletin boards, and on E-mail.  Other than that, I've been taking one day at a time, it hasn't been that long people, not even two weeks.

What's going on in my head?  Same shit as always.  Insecurities, obsessions, doubt, remorse.  Lamenting, pondering.  I'm despondent, I'm forlorn.  I try to keep the bad thoughts out by drowning them in good ones.  That or alcohol.  Video games, movies, music, they help too.  I'm still bothered by how everyone can be replaced. You go through life with your teachers, parents, clergy, and others telling you that you're so fuckin' special, so unique.  The truth is, we're all a dime a dozen.  Trained monkeys can do some of your jobs, and probably better than you.  My best friend in the whole world doesn't need me anymore, she's doing fine without me.  The kids will be fine without us as well.  You like to think you make a difference, but at the end of the day, you can only ask yourself, have you?  Would the world be a different place without you?  I wish I could do the whole "Christmas Carol" deal.  Bring those fuckin' ghosts on.

Truth is often obscured by beauty.  See that's one of my problems, sometimes in wanting to make my journal sound oh so relevant or pertinent I try to insert random quotes that come to mind.  Maybe I just heard or read it somewhere, maybe it's poignant at the time.  Sometimes I don't remember them verbatim, so I then have to look them up.  Just wasting time as always.  Look, I don't want to be emo or want to bitch or want people feeling sorry for me.  This is just the shit running through my head right now.  Fuck me, I'm an asshole, worry about yourself, I'll be okay.  The X-mas music last night, the light snow, the freezing temperatures, the two weeks off, the commerce, it'll kick in soon.  Then I'll be back to my regular cheerful disposition and to my positive outlook on life.  Riiiiight.  At the very least I won't be feeling quite as Scrooge-esque.  If any of these show up under my Christmas tree it would really lift my spirits

Among other things, heh. ;)

So here I am, day one.  I need to do some Christmas shopping.  I need to send some bills out.  I need to cash my last check.  I need to pry myself away from the Internet, the X-Box, and this place.  Oh the TV I took in, supposedly it's like 250 dollars to fix so I guess it's not worth it.  Now I have to buy another television, well, eventually.  Who needs the idiot box.  Well, other than using it for my consoles right?  So, day one.  Let's see where this fucker takes me, and just how deep the hole goes. (Edit 8/5/5 - those used to be pics of Salma Hayek, Robosapien, a Mustang and I forget the other one...)

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