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this is the first day of my last days
i built it up now i take it apart climbed up real high now fall down
real far
no need for me to stay the last thing left i just threw it away
i put my faith in god and my trust in you
now there's nothing more fucked up i could do
wish there was something real wish there was something true
wish there was something real in this world full of you
i'm the one without a soul i'm the one with this big fucking hole
no new tale to tell twenty-six years on my way to hell
gotta listen to your big time hard line bad luck fist fuck
don't think you're having all the fun
you know me i hate everyone
wish there was something real wish there was something true
wish there was something real in this world full of you
i want to but i can't turn back
but i want to

So some asshole that graduated from school a couple years ago comes in to work and says:
"I'm working at a Law Firm downtown, getting my associate's, they're paying for it. Blah, blah, blah. $33 an hour. Blah, blah, blah. I'm driving a 5 Series BMW. Blah, blah, blah. So, you're still here?"

It shouldn't bother me as much as it did. First off, I can't belive people like this exist. I thought they were only badly written characters in soaps and movies that said shit like this. Secondly, other than the fact I'm not making as much money as I'd like, and that I work with borderline mentally handicapped people (and students), I really do like my job. The hours rock, the kids can be fun, there's a lot of benefits, it's close to home, and I get hella days off. It's just that I should probably be doing so much more, I don't know.

It's been a really, really f'ed up week. Revelations, secrets, pacts, betrayals, inaugurations, shootings, arrests, snow. A whole lot of fuckin' snow. People from the past. People that I though would be in my future. Just f'ed up shit, at some point, maybe Thursday night, I think I decided I was done. Just done. I don't know, I guess I slept on it, or maybe I've been doing a good job of keeping myself busy. There's also D's party to look forward to. I just wish we'd all find what we were looking for.

I wish I was a neutron bomb for once I could go off
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on
The Christmas tree I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down

I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up
I wish...
I wish...

So last night, after work I headed to Mullen's. Hung out there all friggin' night. Ran into some old friends, met some new ones. It was a pretty good time, especially talking shit and joking around with Alf. Sports talk is always fun as well, Omar had just come back from the Cubs convention, he had a couple stories. I should take them up on the late night Risk sessions, Gary does websites and he said he'd do mine pro-bono so that was pretty sweet. It was a strange night though, part of it I felt on edge, I shot a lot of pool and threw a lot of darts. I need to sharpen up for the school tournament. D and I are, after all the defending Champs, heh. I didn't drink a drop, I'm pretty sure I'll make it 'til Februrary, but it has been 21 days now so it's all good. Maybe being sober was what did it. I felt bored at times, under the microscope at others. Like I was being judged, or at the very least rated. I'm losing you, I know, I lose myself. So yeah, I drove home in the blizzard, which was actually fun, I had Western all to myself at 1:30 in the morning. Snow, shit, it ain't hurting me or Mora. Got home, found a decent spot and passed out.

Today I woke up, worked out for about an hour, then shoveled snow for another hour. Then....FOOTBALL!!!! My cousins, brother, and a couple friends headed to the park for some Football. We played one game to seven, then another to four which we decided on ending in a tie because we were frozen solid. On one play I hyperextended my right elbow for a split second, fun. The cold and adrenaline keep you going, but I slowly feel the pain creeping on me. Fuckin' getting old sucks. Anyway, I defrosted, had some dinner, and now I'm here, sitting in front of this glowing screen. Listening to some shit in German, and it's not even Rammstein. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally...

Until we meet again,

-Gil

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
eowyn824
Jan. 26th, 2005 06:49 pm (UTC)
update this already. what's going on with you?
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )