Gil (fenyx) wrote,
Gil
fenyx

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Focus

Fuck Gil, concentrate.  I've had little tidbits, fragments, pieces of a whole, but I haven't had the time or the desire to write.  Okay write through it...

First things first, something's been bugging me.  Why is it that some people are signed into AIM, MSN, and/or Yahoo but don't say anything.  I guess it's just me being an attention whore again.  I know that people get busy, etc.  I also honestly don't expect much of people I barely know or just met, but like real life friends or long time friends that are constantly on, it just kind of sucks.  I know it works both ways but I can't always be the one calling, writing, IMing you know.  Oh well, I'm probably really upset about one person anyway, I'll get over it.  Just real quickly, someone explain to me how you can spend so much time with someone, day in and day out and then stop entirely without missing a beat?  Is it a lie if you didn't know you were lying at the time?</p>

So on our last episode Gil was at work, same shit, different day.  Seemingly out of the blue, a special guest star arrived.  An old friend of mine was in town from Florida.  As usual she surprised her mom at work.  We go way back, same division in High School, common friends, locker next to mine, yadda, yadda, yadda.  So basically we've known each other about 15 years now, shit, *does math*.  Yup, 15 years, since 1990.  Damn I'm old.  Anyway, long story short, this girl is amazing.  My esteem has been slowly going down hill since things ended in my last relationship and my psuedo-girlfriend got herself a boyfriend, and seeing this girl didn't help matters.  Now, I know I'm no Brad Pitt, but I do okay with what I've got to work with.  Just today I had one co-worker hit on me and umm a student, compliment me.  Thank God it was in the lunchroom, you can't be too careful, I was just like umm..thanks?  But I digress, it's not too often that I feel out of my league, and I know that confidence is sexy, blah, blah, blah, but you've got to admit some people are just out of your league.  I'm not going to be hooking up with Jessica Alba or Salma Hayek anytime soon, anyway it doesn't happen often but with this one, it's been happening since HS.  Modeling, music videos, dancer, even acting I think, and she just looks gorgeous every time I see her.  I guess it's not a big deal, but it, combined with a couple of other things had me down for a while.  I'm not exaggerrating but she's almost as good looking, almost goddess level.  Then again, maybe it's me, maybe she just represents everything that has been or is unattainable in my life.  I know I shouldn't think that anything's unattainable right?  You can do anything with the right spirit and hard work, after all this is America, home of the brave, land of the free.  Land of opportunity.  The truth is, unfortunately, not everyone will get everything they want.  In order for there to be winners, there have to be losers.  As much as you'd like to play pro football, it's not going to happen if you're 5'1".  If you can't sing you're not going to front a rock band.  You get the point, if you're still reading that is.

On the positive tip, I did finish my taxes before the 15th, however that also bummed me out.  It's amazing how little I make.  I was looking for a missing zero somewhere.  I literally made twice as much money five years ago.  But I'm happier now, right?  How am I supposed to get a new car, buy a house, go on a decent vacation, hell, raise a family with what I make?  *shakes it off*  A quick equation for you  baseball season + Gil = less productivity.  However Gil - X-Box = more productivity.  Throw in the fact that I can't stop obsessing over my plans for NYC, as in am I flying, driving, going for the Baltimore/Philadelphia/NYC trifecta or not, and where I'm staying, multiply it by report card pick up/open house at work on Thursday and the After School Matters closing ceremony tomorrow night = stress.

Once again, Local H saves me.  I ended up driving to Valpo with my brother.  H rocked as usual, ran into a couple people and my mood vastly improved.  I threw some pics up and of course people ragged on them.  My camera sucks, but I was far away, close ups come out great, but anyway, next time I'll just check them to myself, people are such dicks sometimes.  I'm over it. 

The whole Eddy Curry thing sucks.  Prime of your life, professional athlete, I guess it's better they detected it now, before he died on the court.  It's also a good thing that's he's actually pro, had he been in college, I'm sure his pro career would be in jeopardy.  We'll see.  The Cubs are plugging along, how they lost last night, I'll never know, but Prior was solid today, the offense kicked arse.

Played some baseball Saturday afternoon, man am I out of shape.  I am seriously going to pull something this summer.  Not in a good way.  D called about hitting Mullen's later that night, of course we didn't go.  The Crew's just not the same, I guess nothing lasts forever, besides, I've got plenty of other peeps to hang with, it would have just been nice to keep the work crew tight.  It makes work more tolerable.  Eh, or should I say "MEH".  Hahahahaha.  Ahem.  Oh!  Speaking of crews, these people, you know the ones, on MySpace or Friendster who take their pics in a "gansta pose".  Poser is more like it.  You know the ones,  they are everywhere, the DJs, the dancers, etc.  Umm look in the mirror, you're Asian, or white, or whatever.  I see real "G's" everyday, kids on house arrest, kids that are on parole.  Step to one of these kids "dude" see what happens to you.  Believe me, I'm not trying to come off as a bad ass or a thug, but it's just gotten me (for no particular reason) ranting.  Maybe I'm just as bad, but I'd defy some of these clowns to try me.  *does a gangster pose*  That's it, I'm taking a pic like that too.

So I couldn't find the Cubs game on TV and that enraged me as well, I also found out my cousin's in town but hasn't called me.  Not like he really did when he lived here, but it sucks that he's like the closest relative I have my age, and we never see each other.  We grew up together, went to Church together, High School, played football, etc.  Again, one of those "one minute you're close, the other, you're not" deals.  Whatever.  I just don't get it.  Chatted with ~Stine for a while Saturday night, oh and Brady on SNL was horrible.  Maybe one skit was amusing.  Thank God he can throw the pigskin.

Chatted with Llama on Sunday, we talked about NYC plans.  Man I'm so psyched for the weekend, I hope things work out for the best.  I can't wait.  Cor's always good for a decent conversation as well, even got pics, woot!  The Contender did not disappoint and I actually caught the Latin Kings of Comedy, it was hilarious.  I don't remember the details but I was in a shitty mood, that picked me up.  It's been an f'ing roller coaster the last week or so, can you say bi-polar.  I shouldn't kid about that...

Monday started off crappy but ended all right.  Spoke to Jo-Ann for a while, hadn't chatted with her in ages, we were discussing NYC plans as well, told you I've been obsessed, since she's from NJ she was a great help.  Still nothing's in stone, I've got seven weeks.  I'm worried about flying though...if I fly and it crashes you guys can look back on this entry and be like "dumb ass".  Cubs blew a 5-1 lead.  I also ended up reading shit I shouldn't have.  Not because I shouldn't have, as in I'm not allowed to, just stuff that I shouldn't have in the sense that it's unhealthy.  It still bugs me.  Fuck.  I'm so cliche, I just wish I could shake it.

Fuck the bullshit.  Fuck the nice weather.  Fuck work.  Fuck my Jeep and its brake light going off.  Fuck getting the oil changed. Fuck off with your sofa units and serene green stripe patterns.   Fuck damnation, man.  Fuck redemption.  Fuck what you know.  Fuck the clubs.  Fuck the DJ.  Fuck you.

Well, not you.  I got invited to a wedding, the weekend that I was planning on possibly going to Toledo.  Yay for my luck and overlapping events.  I've also got to go to the retirement dinner for work, in May sometime.  I need new digs and I need dates.  Sure I could probably take Julie or scare up some arm candy, but it'd be nice to take a girlfriend you know?  I think it's time.  Shit, Kevin's on Leno.  This entry's taken me over an hour.  Anyway, back on topic, there's a couple of I guess formal events that could be fun.  It's like Dewey wrote recently "I just realized my life really sucks, and I should try to find a girlfriend or something".  So what's the something?

I gotta wrap this up, quick question:  Why was it/is it okay for me to be hanging out with people older than me but I feel old and creepy hanging out with people younger than me?  Lisa's what, four or five years older, so's most of my Rogers Park crowd.  Some people at work are up to ten years older, with families and homes.  So what's the big deal.  I guess I have issues.

I want to be a priority. 

Selfish?  Maybe, but that's been the common thread in a lot of my past relationships, it dawned on me the other night, I've never been, if not the most, at least an important part of my significant other's life.  Whether it was children, work, family, etc.  I always ranked a distant second, if I was lucky.  Maybe that's selfish, but it's how I feel right now.

Last, but not least, a special offer for getting this far, anyone want to go to Audioslave with me at the Aragon Friday night?

That's what I figured, but thanks for reading nonetheless.

curate ut valeatis,

-Gil 

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