Gil (fenyx) wrote,

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Decisions or Lack Thereof

It's unsettling in that it's so familiar.  I won't go into details, but a long time ago, I was quite a different person.  Most of you know the details.  I was making 50K a year, working 50-60 hours a week, and going to school full-time.

Then I stopped going to work.  For a long time.

I basically burned out.  It happens, I know.  I'd really rather it not happen again.  I know what you're thinking, what's so stressful about my life?  I don't know.  I'm not making life or death decisions at work, I work under 40 hours a week, I've got weekends off, etc.  But believe me, I'm not the only one that's feeling this way at work.  It's not fun with so much hanging over your head, not knowing whether you'll have a job in the fall or for how long.  Hell, even what you'll be doing, what your schedule will be.  So I try not to think about it.  Somehow, these feelings, for lack of a better word, seem to be influencing everything I do.  I can't make good decisions, that's when and if I make decisions at all. 

People, not just students or teachers, but everyone, is irritating me.  Old friends IM me, or call me on the phone, and I can't wait to end the fucking conversation.  The inane, daft, and just dull things that come out of people's mouths.  It seems to be happening to me everywhere.  Right now as I write this, some dumb fuck's car is going off, shut your fuckin' alarm off, no one is going to steal your piece of shit Celebrity.  Grrr.  I'm at Villa Palermo, waiting for a slice of pizza, some welfare using, bad decision making, taking money from my paycheck broad waits to pick up her pizza.  She small talks the lady, tells her about how she's moving out on her ex, how 13 years has been too long, blah, blah, blah.  First of all, even animals know that if something hurts them, whether it be the flame or a predator it MOVES THE FUCK AWAY.  It doesn't take it 13 years.  Fuck.  I didn't tell you to knocked up by some asshole in HS, I didn't make you keep the kid that's making you work two jobs and age faster than milk left out in the sun, and I didn't ask you anything.  Yes I'm being an insensitive asshole, I understand it's not that simple, but Christ, keep that shit to yourself, everyone's life is fucked up enough, we don't need to hear it.  At least I don't, I don't care.  Life sucks.  Deal with it.  I should listen to my own advice.  Oh wait that's the phone, must be someone else calling to tell me about their small, trivial problems.  "I can't find the right guy."  "I hate my job."  "I need more money."  "I can't decide whether I want to have Subway or make something here at home."  My response - Have a footlong, hope you choke on it.

Pop quiz hotshot.  I look forward to something, let's say like this weekend, will it A) live up to my expectations or B) disappoint me like 99% of the things and people in my life?  Hmm...Local H, sucked last night.  Rockford sucks.  229.0 for that shit.  I wonder how many people I'm going to offend or alienate with this post, maybe I'll make it so long that no one will read it, well not that a lot of people read anyway, but I'm starting not to care so much.  I should go watch Roundeye tonight, I still haven't gotten an H ticket for tomorrow, I'm almost tempted not to go.  Speaking of people, I know it's a constant subject/them with me, but why shouldn't I alienate everyone?  Might as well do it to them before they do it to me right?  I should tell my friend to choke on her sub, or hang up on the others when all I hear is "blah, blah, blah, blabbity blah" on the phone.  Everything evolves, dissolves, or ends anyway.  I'm all about pre-emptive strikes.

Fences.  Walking through the neighborhood today, I started thinking to myself, this walk took me mere minutes as a kid.  For one I a lot slimmer and faster, but there's also another reason.  There are so many fences up these days.  I used to be able to cut through yards, alleys, parks, and empty lots.  Now's there are new buildings and fences everywhere.  It's sad that it has to be this way.  Our parks have fences, my neighbor has a fence on the front lawn.  The lot is fenced up.  Loyola's field fenced up.  Parking lot, gated.  The Chruch, fenced up.  I know it's necessary, I'm not naive, it's just depressing.  Believe it or not, when I'm home I always leave my front door unlocked, and the backyard's always open, there's no fence on my front lawn. 

It's funny, but venting here always helps, a bit I guess.  So Jeremy's playing tonight, I should go and hang out but going everywhere by my lonesome gets tiring.  It's just five minutes away, if that, still though...

Scrubs is seriously the best.  Funny stuff but every episode touches on something.  Death, life, relationships, etc.  The episode I just watched was particularliy harsh, I don't know, I guess I'm f'ed up.  I can see horrible things or hear about them and shrug them off, but My Dog Skip makes me well up.  Go figure.  Oh and another episode made me download fuckin' Erasure.  See what I mean, I'm f'ed up.


DISCLAIMER: It's been brought to my attention that more than a few of you are "worried" to put it one way, I'm not going anywhere, seriously, put the phone down. To prove it I'll tell you one of my favorite jokes... How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You POKE him on! Hahahahaah pokemon get it! Oh wow.

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