Gil (fenyx) wrote,

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Full Circle

It's my fault.  It's always my fault.

As much as I love this city, this neighborhood, and as much as it is a part of me, it hurts me to say this but...I've got to get the hell out of here.  There's a story on every corner, a memory around every corner, and it fuckin' sucks.  It's been a quiet, but strange summer.  Running into people, hearing stories, it's just unsettling.  Anyway, I've been productive as hell as of late, I guess I'm finally realizing that the summer is pretty much over.  The damn Bud Billiken parade and the Air and Water show always do it for me.  Not to mention the stupid back to school commercials/ads.  Ugh.  I didn't have to go back until next week but of course I picked up that phone on monday and I agreed to go in tomorrow.  Good times.  It's my fault, I shouldn't have picked it up.  At least it's only for a day, I got out of it today since I had to go to the doctor.  Guess what, I get to go again tomorrow.  Yay.  Again, it's all my fault, that's what I get for procrastinating.  Whatever.  I hit Bank One while waiting for my scripts, got some bidness done there and picked up some Mongolian Beef for lunch on the way home.  Yummy.  I also finally spoke to *** about someone's birthday surprise.  It then got me thinking....August 20? 22?  Fuck.  I know I'm forgetting someone's birthday.  30th?  Shit.  It's bad enough I have to check and re-check the online peeps birthdays, but at least those are easily found.  Well, if you bother to put it in your profile, pfft.  So anyway, it's nagging me so I eventually go back and re-read all of my August entries to see if I mention people's birthdays, all of my entries online and in my real-life paper and pen journals.  Needless to say I read a lot of other shit, that I didn't need to be reminded of.  Again, who's fault is it?  Gil's fault!  At the very least it's given my some insight into my current course/plan of action and how I should probably change something or stop it altogether.

Earlier in the week I also heard some other news from the past, Sharon of "Pam & Sharon", is engaged.  Engaged and buying a house with her beau, a friend is handling the loan. etc.  Good for her, haven't seen her in years but it's just another example of time flying by.  I'm trying to make the most of it.  I usually do, don't I.  Live everyday like it's your last, meditate on death every day.  You have to joke about it, it'll take the sting out of it when you're really going to kick the bucket won't it?  Like today, mom asks me what the doctor said, my reply, without hesitation and totally stoic:  "I'm dying."  Here's where you tell me that I shouldn't joke about shit like that.  Fine, waaah.  Let me ask you this, what do you believe in?  The way I look at life, (and the way I rationalize stupid, idiotic, dangerous behavior at times) is that whatever you believe in, Fate, Allah, God, the Force, whatever, is way more powerful than you or I.  He/She/It has everything laid out, every little detail, and even if that's not true, this entity can pretty much save your ass or make you cash in your chips.  Either way it's out of my hands, if I'm dead tomorrow or dead eighty years from now, how much control do I really have over it?  How much control do you have over it?  It's liberating in a way, remember "the end is important in all things."

Tags: birthdays

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