As much as I don't
want to this to become your typical ranting, bitching, whining, cry-baby shit, type of journal. I think that's what it's becoming. It's not really that things are so bad but I'm just tired. I'm tired of not living up to everyone's expectations, not even my own. I'm tired of settling for a job that is beneath me. It's comfortable. My life, or so-called life, is comfortable. It's also made me complacent. I'm tired of these doctors telling me one thing, prescribing me another. Nothing personal, but I really don't like doctors. I'm sure I'll be singing another tune when I really need one but so far they're like 0-for-my lifetime in curing my ailments. Of course I've never had anything all that serious, still though, all the more reason that they should be able to take care of it, right? At least the pharmacist was cute. Could you image the stuff you'd try if your girlfriend was a pharmacist. Good Lord.
I'm tired of pulling for teams that will forever break my heart. Cheering, obsessing, caring more about the teams than their owners do. Tired of getting my heart broken. I'm tired of reading other people's whining and bitching as much as they're probably tired of reading mine. It's not that I don't care. It just reminds me of other things I'm sick of. I'm tired of being the responsible one, of being the good guy. I'm tired of having to deal with the "neighborhood". Fuckin' hood-rats. Keep an eye on your damn kids, quit smoking cock or crack, whichever and get your kids inside. I'm tired of thinking about her. I'm sick of being so damn emo. I'm tired of fighting with my brother and always been the one to make the peace. I'm tired of trying to be what everyone wants me to be. I'm too tired to even bother anymore. I know I've got to make some changes, but it's easier said than done. I'm tired of missing the way she used to say Gilberto. I'm sick of trying to make relationships work, friendship upkeep if you will. I'm tired of making phone calls, of flashing a vapid smile. Of pretending to care about how your summer went.
I'm tired of not understanding. Even the simplest of things. The questions haunt me. I don't care about the meaning of life, or what our purpose is. If I had one question to ask it would be "What happened?". I'm tired of reading the same bullshit on the same bulletin board. I'm tired of playing the game. I'm tired of alienating everyone I know. I'm tired of hating myself. I don't enjoy this, but it's necessary. Some people have therapists, I guess I have this. I'm tired of not getting any hits. Of working on something, investing my time and effort into something that fails. I'm tired of failing. I hate that everything reminds me of her. I'm tired of being indecisive. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of being reminded of who I, who we, used to be. I'm sick of knowing what needs to be done and not having the strength to do it. I'm tired of being undisciplined. There's no way around it, I'm getting older, my body's getting older. I'm going to get slower, weaker, and most likely dumber. I'm sick of just giving in to it. I'm tired of thinking, of being forlorn, despondent. Of not being able to get over it.
I'm not looking for attention, I'm looking for a way out. I should just go ahead and make this a private entry, but then I wouldn't be joining the pity party would I? Maybe it's some desperate attempt to find a cure. Someone reading this might have the answer for me. The key to free me from these chains, that incidentally, I threw on my damn self. Or maybe, I'm thinking that if I get it all out of my system that I'll actually do something about it. But where to begin? Maybe I'm just bored out of my mind and I've got nothing else to do so I'm ranting and whining in my LJ, my poison of choice. I'm tired of writing, but if I keep it up maybe I'll come across something of consequence. At the very least the length of the entry will scare the lurkers away. Only the few who really care, are really bored, or really sick will read this far. The masochist in you made you do it huh? Suit yourself, read on. I'm tired of free-writing, free-thinking, and free-falling. I'm sick of not having control. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of growing up, of having to be a grown-up. I'm tired of fighting, there's not much fight left in me.
But mostly I'm tired of repeating myself.
Long story short, work sucked today. I was told 8-11, it ended up being 8-noon and I got dirty looks for leaving at noon. WTF? The fall's going to be great. Not a whole lot else going on as usual. I might be in Madison on Saturday, who knows. Probably not, knowing me I'll end up watching some game or some movie and skip visiting the cheeseheads. I was able to look up a birthday at work though, y'know, the one that was bugging me. It's not 'til September. Cubs lost again, why do I even bother? It's okay because soon it'll be the Bears pissing me off, but at least that'll only be once a week.
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