Gil (fenyx) wrote,

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What's wrong with me?

Nothing Special

It's not my favorite song, but I keep going back to it. In more ways than one.


Anyway, John, a friend of mine passed away yesterday. I hadn't seen him in a long time, and it's strange, but my emotions are all over the place. Well at least on the inside, that's what I mean when I ask "what's wrong with me?" It's not like we were very close, but I was close with his brother and his family. They treated me like family, hell, they treated everyone like that. The wrestling Pay-Per-Views we'd watch and gamble on, the karaoke he loved, the way he had a new joke everytime I saw him. Even now, as I write this, I feel like maybe I'm being dramatic or melodramatic. I found out at work and it didn't phase me, not visibly. Ugh. Is it the Latino in me? The machismo? Or am I really ok with it? Hell if I know. Like I said, we weren't very close, but he will be missed. This also opens up a lot of other situations. Hmm, I'm not trying to be vague, it's just strange. That and I guess I've been very fortunate to not have a lot of experience with deaths in the family. I've only been to one funeral my whole life. I was a pallbearer and I didn't even know what to do with the gloves afterward. (I guess they go in the ground with the coffin, right?) I think I still have them around. Don't get me wrong, I've known my share of people that have died, but no one that close to me. Either not close enough that I went to the funeral or it was out of town, etc. I'm rambling. So, I didn't know whether to call over there tonight, or go over to the house. Do I bring flowers? A card? Little things that most 29 year old men probably know escape me.

A part of me feels like I could skip it altogether. Yes, I'm that much of an asshole. I'm just not good in these situations. It's odd. What the hell do I wear? I don't think I have a dark suit. Brown? Fuck. A black polo okay? *shakes head* See what I mean. I'm going to be running into a lot of people from my past, and of course this isn't about me, but I'm not a hypocrite. So I'll be polite, but I'm not doing the "life is too short and since someone died we should forget everything and be best buds again" deal. I don't know. I wish I was more broken up about it, maybe it'll hit me. That seems strange to read doesn't it. That I want to be broken up about it, I guess it's because I feel so, I don't know, cold, I guess? Maybe it's because it's not a shock to everyone. He was in bad shape and it was to be expected at some point.

He loved the Bears. I think I have a Super Bowl XX button I got from him. He collected sports cards and memorabilia. His room was a mess, I wonder if anyone ever got to cleaning it up.

The Cornstalker. That was one of his famous Halloween costumes. I'll have to find that picture. Did he wear it in DeKalb? Maybe he just thought of it there.

I know it's cliche but it does bring everything in perspective. The thing is, with me, it never lasts. I'll be doing the same stupid shit, taking the same people for granted, and making the same mistakes soon. What about "Keepin' it Real '06"? It might have to be put on hold.

Goddamnit. I used to be able to blurt out John's jokes like nothing, for the life of me I can't even think of one now. Fuck!@

Maybe it is getting to me after all.

R.I.P. John V.
Tags: death

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