What a fuckin' waste. The whole weekend down the drain. I'm so aggravated it's beyond understanding. Frustration, disappointment, anger, and so much more all rolled into one. Ultimately though, it's not all that surprising, it's just my luck.
Won't you believe it
It's just my luck
I'm still not %100 and at this point I could honestly care less. Stop reading this, it's not going to get any better. Save your breath, I've heard it all before. Who am I supposed to lash out at? This isn't anyone's fault but mine. I'm fucking jinxed, that and I must have some bad karma, pissed off God, or both. Some people say He hates them, well I sure as hell can't be on his friends list. I know, I know, there are a lot of people who have it way worse, yeah well, there's a lot doing better as well so fuck off. Okay, now that I've gotten rid of most of you. I saw something the other day about people who put up walls, and how someone wondered why no one ever tried breaking through the ones she put up. Random shit is just popping in my head, like I said, I'm pissed off but at no one in particular, everyone in particular. I don't even want to write. I've been putting it off so long. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep tonight.
I doubt it though. It's a lot of things, I know. The way everyone's so goddamn flaky. The fact that I'm getting older and everywhere I turn it seems like I'll be past my prime very shortly. From the Olympics, ESPN and even the Madden Challenge, to Hollywood and articles I read everywhere. Not to mention the pseudo-holiday of Valentine's Day. It usually doesn't bother me, but I'm sure it's getting to me on some level. What with everything on TV, in stores, and the kids at work. I guess I'm lamer than I think I am. Work.
I know my job's not the most difficult in the world. I have a schedule most people would kill for and decent benefits, etc. It's just getting to me lately. First off, I know I got sick from either one of those bastards at work or one of my scumbag co-workers. Everyone's sick around there the minute it gets under 40 degrees out. Second, all these added responsibilities are getting to be overwhelming. Not that I can't handle it, but it is getting to the point where it's just not worth it. Feeling rushed all the time, always on the run, under-appreciated, and financially, it's really not worth it. I'm not making nearly enough. I know, it is for the kids, for our "future". What about my future?
Then here at home. Fucking BS with the rides, I don't think I'll even post this shit public. I'm always bitching anyway. Fuck it. I'm still fucking sick, that's unreal. The house is crowded, I don't fit here, literally and figuratively, but what am I going to do? I can't buy a car, a home. I can't afford to live on my own. I can't quit, eventhough I'm starting to hate my job. The unorganized people at work, the bullshit meetings and clinics, learning skills we'll never use. The classes to get certified which are also bullshit. It's all fucking bullshit. You are, I am, she is, him, them. Everyone. This is all a stupid game, with a lot of useless rules, which only certain people follow. There are very few winners, it's No Fun, and I am tired of playing it. Tired of continuing with no end in sight.
The shows this weekend. It would have been nice to have seen two of my favorite bands. Not to mention some friends and a couple of drinks. Instead what did the universe in its infinite fucking wisdom have in store for me? Coughing and a runny nose. A slight fever, some restless nights, the Winter Olympics and a little X-Box.
Like I said, it's pointless to bitch and moan. It's not going to change anything and I can't blame anyone. FUCK! That stupid ass class on Friday, the bullshit ass meeting/clinic. It reminded of Lane, I never did finish writing about that. What's the point? Now it's back to work tomorrow, back to more of the same crap, surrounded by assholes and idiots.
I couldn't stand it when I went to school and people cheated. I never told, I'm not a snitch, but it always pissed me off that I did the work and that others could skate through school by cheating. Life doesn't change, I'm reading and doing the work for class while others copy off each other. I'm getting my hours in, my transcripts to keep my job while others sign up for tests which they somehow cheat on. Whether they got the answers or had/have someone take the test for them, I don't know. I do know, however that NO ONE WHO THINKS THAT TURNING OFF A COMPUTER MEANS TURNING OFF THE MONITOR could pass some of these exams. Whatever.
There's something going on downstairs. Now what? Sorry umm...I wish I had something more positive to write about, umm...I'll finally be getting some fresh air. I haven't left the house since Friday night, that's pretty insane. I'll end this crap with something from The Catcher in the Rye.
"I have a feeling that you're riding for some kind of a terrible, terrible fall. But I don't honestly know what kind.... It may be the kind where, at the age of thirty, you sit in some bar hating everybody who comes in looking as if he might have played football in college. Then again, you may pick up just enough education to hate people who say, 'It's a secret between he and I.' Or you may end up in some business office, throwing paper clips at the nearest stenographer. I just don't know."
I don't either.