December 17th, 2008

The wolf's at ol' Gil's door.

Writer's Block: Doh!

It's the twentieth anniversary of the first Simpsons episode today. Who is your favorite Simpsons character—Ralph? Sideshow Bob? Ned Flanders? An actual Simpson? many to choose from. Gil? Grimey? Ralph? Bart? It's a tough decision but in the end no one compares to the man...

Homer Jay Simpson.


A Timeline

3:50 PM - It's starting to come down outside so I decide to leave work a little bit early.
3:51 PM - I text Victor, it looks messy out, I doubt people will be in tonight.
3:55 PM - I get off Lake Cook and jump on 41. Traffic's bumper to bumper.
3:57 PM - The traffic sign in the distance reads: 2 hours 12 minutes to Kennedy.
STAGE ONE - Denial - "It can't possibly be that bad, we're moving, right?"
4:30 PM - The traffic reports are saying that all trips in every direction are at least three hours. "Don't go out unless you have to."
4:35 PM - We're not moving. I screw around on Facebook.
4:47 PM - I'm about to hit Touhy, another traffic sign reads: 3 hours 1 minute to circle.
STAGE TWO - Pain - I have a headache.
4:48 PM - Melissa suggests trying to cross over to Lake Shore Drive. I say I'll try but I'm not even close to Peterson yet.
4:55 PM - The radio's saying LSD is just as bad, everything is taking up to four hours now. Yay.
5:12 PM - Some douchebag's on the radio. "I don't even have to tell you to slow down out there because you have no choice." Very funny.
5:35 PM - I'm on Peterson, it's craptacular. At this point I've only seen one plow the whole time.
5:47 PM - I ask Melissa for Daley's number, or for the City. She suggests complaining to 411.
STAGE THREE - Anger and Bargaining - "F'ing Daley!" I think to myself that I'll be good from now on if I can just make it home soon.
5:48 PM - Screw that being good crap.
5:57 PM - People are driving like jackasses, a semi is trying to pass people up on Peterson. I get to Lincoln and Peterson about now.
6:36 PM - I'm close to mom and dad's place. I consider stopping there since I'm tired, hungry and...I really have to pee.
6:37 PM - I decide to keep going. It's supposed to keep snowing, parking sucks around there, and maybe the roads will just get worse.
STAGE FOUR - Depression - "I'm never getting home. I wish someone were here with me, I'm so lonely. This sucks."
6:45 PM - A taxi cab spins out up ahead. Luckily it doesn't hit anyone. I've seen about two plows thus far.
6:52 PM - Is that Lake Shore Drive up ahead!
STAGE FIVE - The Upward Turn - "It looks like it's moving! Maybe I'll get home after all!"
6:55 PM - I hit Lakeshore Drive and it is actually kind of moving.
6:57 PM - No it's not.
7:14 PM - Where the hell are the lanes? It's like anarchy on the roads, they're not plowed and people are making their own lanes.
7:17 PM - People having car trouble seem to just be abandoning their cars on the road. I saw one on the Edens and now I see one on LSD.
STAGE SIX - Reconstruction/Working Through - "At least we're moving, I guess I'll have to just crawl through this mess."
7:23 PM - I'm talking to Victor on the phone as I drive by Michigan. I realize that I miss the Playboy sign that used to be on the building.
7:28 PM - A Mercedes spins out right before I reach the river.
7:29 PM - There's another abandoned car just as I cross over the river, at least he left his hood up.
STAGE SEVEN - Acceptance - "It's actually going to take me four hours to get home. Whatta ya gonna do?"
7:35 PM - We're actually moving now.
7:52 PM - Victor tells me Bruce just got home. He left work at 5:30. He took a bus and a train.
7:53 PM - I mutter something about being a sucker.
7:54 PM - I reach 47th street. I might get home by eight!
7:58 PM - Blue lights, police cars and black SUVs start heading my way. I have to pull over to the right. It's probably Obama.
7:59 PM - I shake my fist at him. "Why can't you do something about the snow!" "Pay my bills!" "Get me a job closer to home!
8:01 PM - I finally pull up in front of my home. I start weeping uncontrollably, or not. The whole time I saw maybe three plows, and the streets all looked like crap.

Four hours, eleven minutes.
Good times.

PS-Drew Peterson. Engaged. Really?