Gil (fenyx) wrote,

It's going to be another hot one...

Damnit. I couldn't sleep. I was lying in bed, my mind racing. Thinking about all sorts of shit. It's been a good week, even better weekend. It's also been surreal.  I can't put my finger on it, but things have just been coming back full-circle.  Anyway, I was thinking about tons of shit to write about, I know, it's been a while.  So I pop the computer on, check my mail, and then of course I end up catching up on news, people's LJs, other BS and now I'm sleep again.  It's already starting to warm up, supposedly today might turn out to be the hottest day of the year.  Great.

Where was I?  Right, the past.  It keeps creeping up on me, in odd ways.  Sometimes it's a song that brings me back, other times it's a movie or a show.  Sometimes it's something someone says, fuckin' deja vu, a glitch in the matrix.  Like I said, it's been surreal.  I don't know.  A friend of mine was talking about living in the moment this weekend, which I found somewhat ironic since he's like an investment banker, but I digress.  He's talking about how you can't think too much ahead, how you can't really say you'll love someone for the rest of your life.  You don't know what's going to happen 10, 20 years from now.  Then he goes off on a tangent about how you can't trust men, how maybe they only tell the truth 40% of the time, 20% if they're far away.  Let me explain, we were at a party and he was talking to a young girl, 18 I guess, she was the younger sister of one of our friends.  Her name escapes me at the moment, anyway Joe was trying to get her some advice.  I guess she's involved with someone back in LA, and basically he went on a rant about how long distance relationships are doomed.  How it's unfair to both people involved since they could be closing themselves off to meeting new people and how difficult it can be, especially when your "needs" aren't being attended to.  I didn't say much, maybe because I didn't agree with him on a lot of things, maybe because I didn't really know the girl, but I kept my mouth shut.  Better to keep quiet and thought a fool than to open it and prove it, right?  I did start to say a famous saying/proverb in spanish which she didn't even let me finish...

Amor de lejos, amor de pendejos.

I think that's spelled right, anyway it roughly translates to far away love is the love of dumb asses.  Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but I guess I'm a little jaded.  Not so much that I agreed with everything Joe said, after all I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, but I am jaded in the sense that I've done it and I can only say that you live and you learn.  Just like there are exceptions to the long-distance thing, there are exceptions to the "every guy is a lying piece of crap" rule.  I just hate it when people generalize, myself included.  Okay, so live in the moment, I try, believe me I do.  It's just hard at times, certain words trigger memories, it can't be helped.  Not to mention that we all have insecurities and feelings of inadequacy.  I feel so "sheltered" at times, like I haven't done enough in my thirty years.  Then at other times I feel "holier than thou", judgmental, like I'm better than other people because I haven't done lots of things in my thirty years.  It doesn't happen often, I'm pretty good at keeping it in check, but it rears it's ugly head occasionally.

I guess that's all any of us can do.  When those "feelings" creep up.  Whether they be feelings of jealousy, insecurity, anger, resentment, fear, sadness, all we can do is try to deal with them as best as we can.  That's usually when you can find me here typing away, raping the english language yet again.  Writing my stupid little entries about whatever the hell I'm feeling or thinking about.  It seems that I've been doing it less and less, and although I do miss it, on some level I guess that's a good thing.  Maybe I'm find other ways of dealing with things, or...maybe things really are going well and...I guess I've got no complaints.

Well, except for the fact that I've got nothing to complain about... ;)



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