Gil (fenyx) wrote,

The Human Condition

I'm trying to keep myself busy.  I've been reading a lot, I've also been reading a lot of random journals.  It's amazing, everyone's complaining about the same shit.

I've come across a few great journals, and a lot of shitty ones.  I'm ok write right now.  But it's pretty tentative.  I'm pretty much done talking about stuff, it seems like somehow, someway that's all I'm either thinking or talking about.  Reading through the journals, I realize that I'm not the only person going through shit, well obviously.  I know that, but most people have one thing they're obsessing about, not ten.  I'm probably slightly insane but it's ok.

Where was I?  Oh people at work have been saying I look different, I know I lost a little weight, I'm tanner, and my hair's longer, but that's not what they're seeing.  I probably look different because I am different.  It's been a stranger couple of months, they've changed me, but I can't say if it's for the better.

I know I've learned a lot, just over the summer.  I'm a better coach, I know I'm more confident on the field, and I'm a stronger leader.  Oh how I loathe that role, but somehow, and this has remained a constant my whole life, it's always thrusted upon me.  Then there's the new job.  It turns out it's not so much of a parallel move or demotion as it was a promotion.  It's a management position, and I've done it before, but I'm being told it's going to be a lot more responsibility, but I haven't been told it's more money.  I guess I should be happy that I have a job at all.  I'm still not comfortable.  The whole thing's left a bad taste in my mouth.  I've always been good at reading people, but not so good at acting on my instincts, on my readings.  I'm getting better at that too.  "How was your summer?"  I hate that question, I'm glad I missed the first day, if you really cared we would have hung out or talked or whatever.  I might of asked a handful of people how theirs went, after all, you've got to be polite, right?  I'm better at bullshitting too, I'm getting to be quite the hypocrite.  Like I said, I can't say I've changed for the better.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be fake, I hate that fake shit.  I guess what I'm refering to is the fact that I genuinely used to care about the people I talked to.  I was interested in how they've been, what they were up to.  Maybe it's the storyteller in me, I like hearing good ones as much as I like telling them.  Lately, however, hell even a few minutes ago, I can listen to someone drone on and on about their stupid day and just nod and smile.

And not care in the slightest.

My brother's an asshole, and sometimes I envy him.  Life seems to be easier when you're either oblivious to the world around you, or a dick to the world around you.  I really don't want to become either of those things, but I'm also tired of just struggling along.  I'm not doing too bad, but it seems like I'm just doing good enough.  

You're supposed to leave everything out on the field.  You're not supposed to leave anything in the tank.  I just feel like most days all I do is turn on the engine and hit cruise control.

I had a long walk today, during it I thought about how I don't think I've ever really just "gone for a walk".  You know how some people say they're going for a walk, they can't sleep or whatever, or just to clear their heads.  I don't know if I've ever done that.  I think I always have a destination.  Sure I've done that on long walks, but I've always been walking somewhere, towards some place or someone.

I just wish I knew where I was going now.


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