Gil (fenyx) wrote,

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She's my Rushmore

I know I haven't been updating as much. Then I wonder where everyone's gone, heh. Anyway, I've been like this ball of emotion as of late. I've actually been writing quite a bit, but I haven't been putting it out here. A lot of it is personal, but that's never stopped me. The other reason is that I hate being such a bitch about things. It's not me, really. Yet another reason is that people would see how crazy I really am sometimes, heh.  I just don't know what to do anymore. Work fuckin' sucks. I'm dealing but I'm not too happy. It's not that it is overally difficult or anything like that, it's just that it isn't what I want to be doing. Don't get me wrong, the coaching is great, but the whole deal with the bookroom. It just feels so, unimportant, so...beneath me. Eh, I'm fucked up.

I feel like shit half the time, I don't feel like doing anything. Movies bore me, I don't have the patience or concentration for the 360. I don't feel like going out, drinking, what's the point?  Not that I have that many people to go out with.  A lot of people are friends of "proximity".  I'm starting to realize that.  People at work, the people I used to work around, are pretty much strangers now, and if you think about it everyone's like that.  When I went away to school, I eventually lost a lot of my friends.  When you're a kid and people leave the neighborhood, you try to keep in touch, but it doesn't happen.  Work friends that get new jobs, or when you leave a job, you lose those too.  At least I have.  I'm getting used to it but it's no fun.  Online friends are the same deal, sure they're fun to chat with and what not.  Maybe you see them a couple of times a year, at shows, bars, whatever.  But how close of a relationship can you develop with someone that "isn't there".  Then again, what the hell am I thinking, even the people that are always there, the ones I see day in and day out, seem to disappear.  I guess I'm just unhappy with a lot of aspects of my life at the moment. So, change them, right? That's what you're all thinking.

Easier said than done.

I'm just feeling paralyzed. Unless it's football or work, I can manage to power through that. Football, well because it's football, and it's pretty much the only thing that bring me joy. Work, because I'm so busy that, although I'm not fond of the job, at least it keeps my mind on a task. Keeps my mind off things, off people.  I don't know, what can I say that I haven't said before?  What can I write that hasn't been written?

Won't you believe it
It's just my luck

no recess

My nephew should be finally coming out of the hospital and I guess my aunt's doing better.  I'm still not exactly sure what happened, it sounds like a minor stroke/heart attack, but I doubt they would have let her out so soon if it was something severe.  I ask her kids and it's like they don't have a clue.  I don't know.  Maybe that's the best way to go through life, not feeling, not getting overly involved into anything or anyone.  It'd be a lot less painful, I would imagine.  

Everything happens for a reason.  I keep trying to convince myself of that.  It's the universe/cosmos trying to protect me.  There's a bigger plan, a master plan.  This has to happen this way.  Everyone is exactly where they are supposed to be.  Everything happens when and where it's supposed to.

This is all bullshit I tell myself when things aren't going the way I want.  So when do you quit?  What ever happened to perseverance?  Facing adversity?  When is enough, enough?  Something's got to give.

Maybe it's for the best.  Who knows what's going to happen a year, ten years from now.  An ounce of disciple now outweighs a ton of regret later, right?

Fuck, like I said, I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore, I'm going on instinct.  I'm like on auto-pilot.  All I know is that we've got a game this afternoon, so for now, that's what I'll be trying to focus on.
Tags: football, ru, work

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