Gil (fenyx) wrote,

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The Pursuit of Happiness

I'm not happy.

I should be. I'm healthy, for the most part, I've got a decent job. An amazing girlfriend and a loving family. What the fuck's wrong with me. I sometimes worry that's it's never going to be enough. Part of it is the fact that I just don't ever learn.

Don't build things up, then you won't be inevitably disappointed. Don't make plans, they always go awry. I guess that explains my apprehension as to what my future holds. I'm heading towards some big changes. I am excited about them, I know it's the right thing to do. It's just scary, and I sometimes lack self-esteem. We all do, I know, it's just that my situation or feelings or whatever you want to call them are all over the place. I'm cocky, almost arrogant at times. I don't doubt a whole lot of things, but the few that I do...I don't know if I can ever feel secure in regards to those doubts.

I'm losing you, I can sense it. It's difficult to explain, I guess I can put it this way. I'm sure about the A, B, C, D, E, F, and G factors. There's no worry there, no concern, no doubt. However, it's a couple of other, insignificant, petty factors that have me doubting myself, my situation. Let's say...H and I. Of course there's always the X factor, but no one ever sees that coming, so I'm not too worried about it.

At the same time, as worried or anxious as I get at times, I still have this unshakable faith that everything's going to be alright, that's it's all going to work out. I just get impatient waiting for that moment. But I digress...I'm going on all kinds of tangents...why am I upset? Upset's a strong word, why am I unhappy?

I guess it's not unhappy, disappointed maybe? Down? Of course it's got to do with the H show tonight. Not that I can't go by my lonesome, I've done it plenty of times. It's probably not even the fact that I'm missing the show, I've missed them before, I'll see them tomorrow. If not, sometime soon. I guess it's the fact that I really don't have too many friends. I don't know how or when it exactly happened, but it did. As much as I love you guys on the "internet", it's not the same thing. You're in Florida, New York, Canada, Mexico, the burbs, everywhere but here. We don't hang out, we don't see each other often.

I know it's not a big deal, but it bothers me. I see my parents, they don't go out too often, they don't have a lot of friends. Sure my mom has her work friends, my pops has his golfing buddies, but that's about it. Is it enough? I guess they'd say it is. Maybe I'll grow into it, the older I get. I guess it just bums me out that I can't find a soul in the world to go to a damn show with me.

A friend of mine says it's about the quality of your friends, not the quantity. I agree, but how can I get friends of quality if I don't have many to begin with. Of course my girlfriend's more than enough company, but I'm not trying to smother her. No one wants to be that guy. Ugh, I'm just rambling now...

I should probably quit while I'm ahead, being that it is Friday the 13th and all.  However, I should clarify something, I am, for the most part, happy, most of the time.  

It just sucks when I come down...
Tags: local h, m

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