Gil (fenyx) wrote,

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As much as I'd hate to admit it, that was right on target. I am fucking lost aren't I? The few weeks have been so strange, almost surreal. Yesterday was no exception.

It seemed like it was going to be a routine friday, get to work, somehow make it through the day, and then have a few drinks after work. Same shit different day right? I happened to talk to my boy J-Rock earlier in the day, and I was going to help him with an errand and then we'd be off to Mullen's. I can't even remember the last time I hung out with him, I wouldn't be surprised if it was last year sometime. I guess I tend to hibernate the first few months of the year, then again I've been going through a lot of crap too, so I don't know. Guess I've been distancing myself from people.

So we end up at Mullen's, of course I'm playing pool like shit, and the usual crowd's there. Some people opted to go to another gathering, hmmph, but I digress. I end up running into a couple of people I hadn't seen in ages, and relatives of friends. It always saddens me to see how easy it is to grow apart from people. There was also some drama going on. He said, she said shit, married people hitting on not so married people, and people pulling disappearing acts when others appeared. It's just all f'ed up, why can't we all get along?

A few hours pass and we decide to a change of venue. J-Rock and I had to meet someone at the Red Line anyway, so a few others tagged along. As luck would have it, the friggin' country bands were playing. So not only were we going to toturing ourselves, we were going to have to pay for it, lol. Don't get me wrong, they're good bands, and nice enough fellows, just not my thing, however this one song they played...all I have to say is totally hit the spot. Don't know if it was theirs or not but the lyrics were great. Can't find it on their site so I don't know...(oh they're the Outlaw Family Band btw if anyone's interested.) So we're sitting there listening to them play, and I'm running into people I haven't seen in ages. Let me explain.

Back in the day, a couple of years ago, I was in this play almost on a daily basis. The studio I sort of rent out is across the street behind the "L". I grew up on the block as a child, and I have some great memories of the 'hood. Playing Q-Bert in the Heartland Cafe, getting slices of Pizza from next door, going down the block to Morse to do laundry with my mom, having red cream sodas, etc. So I know a lot of people in the area. From employees to regulars, to good friends, and somehow a lot of them made their way into the Red Line on this particular night. Man some people have changed in just a few months. Some lost weight, others cut their hair, just crazy how some people looked different. Anyway, I'm catching up with a lot of people. Buying drinks, having drinks, incidentally I somehow ended up spending about $50 cash and another 50 on plastic between both bars, lol. MMmm...Jack and Coke.

Just as I thought the night was winding down I run into two of my oldest childhood friends, Mike and Mark. I actually grew up with these guys and haven't seen them in a long time. Eventhough Mike still lives across the street, we just grew apart little by little. We started talking about the fights we used to have, our little crew the BMX Bikers, anything and everything we could remember. I guess I was lucky growing up, eventhough I grew up in the city, I think I had a pretty typical American childhood. Very "Stand by Me"-ish. We had our core of friends, girls that lived on our block that we hated but secretly loved, and our fair share of scrapes and "Goonies" like adventures.

I was writing even back then. Making maps of the hood, journaling our fights and adventures. We all had code names, Spliter, Skyhawk, Hurricane, Gizmo, I still have a lot of the notebooks we used to write things down. The fire hydrant in front of my house doubling as our throne. Everyone running out early in the morning, then running back home for lunch and dinner. Doing the same things, day in and day out for so many summers. I find it interesting that Mike's also writing, we then got into a long discussion regarding success. He's got a college degree and is doing temp work. People our age are living their lives, raising families, working on their careers. But what is success? Are they really better off? It's like they say isn't it, the grass is always greener right?

Fuck, I really should playing MVP or EQ, watching a movie, enough of this thinking and lamenting shit.

Anyway, we're supposed to keep in touch now. Not that I don't want to, but everyone knows that's not going to happen. Just like with reunion people, nice talking to you all, lol. What the hell's wrong with me? I guess I take shit too personally, or I get too attached I don't know, I'm even bent about people that haven't kept in touch from the Matrix. People I've never met in person, but have spent a lot of time getting to know how just have disappeared. Even as I write this, I'm waiting on an IM from like an hour ago. It's actually taken me about two hours to write this fucking entry. Sheesh. Guess I'm hungover, I don't know.

I've slacked off enough for today, watched School of Rock which was great but it got me thinking, as most things do I guess, but in the movie one character refuses to give up his dreams. The other just seems to have come to terms with the fact that the dream has died. I honestly can't say where I stand on this issue, I feel as if maybe I have given up, and if I haven't then I'm close to giving up. I hate to say it, but it sucks, and maybe it's time I just fucking give in. I'm talking about a couple things here too, not just my screenplays, but in my life...I don't want to, but it's so fucking difficult sometimes. Not that I'm all that needy, at least I'd like to think that I'm not, but it's just hard when you feel like you're going through a lot of shit alone, like you don't have many people you can count on. I don't know, I really don't want to give up but it's wearing me down :(.

But there's always the positive, the good stories, inspiration. Mark met a great girl when she was on vacation here a couple of years ago. Guess they kept in contact, and she just moved up here this year from Miami. We talked for a while about the differences, the weather, it's different but she's getting used to it. Everything's the same down there, but here we get to see all the seasons. The snow, leaves falling in the fall, and spring. That reminds me, happy spring everyone, new beginnings I guess.

Finally that brings me back to the start.

The question was asked, describe me in one word.


I guess I have to change that. One of my best friends wrote that, and he's right. I just wish I had my compass. I know where I want to be, who I want to be with, what I want from life. I just don't know, I really don't. You think I want to be lost? Does anyone like miserable? I'm sure we all want to be happy, but it just doesn't happen. I've come to the realization that I'm going to have to make some changes, hell lots of them...because what I'm doing, what I've been doing...these last 28 years or so, just isn't working. I'm not finding my way.

Even as I write this...*sighs*

Alright enough of this, last night I thought I had lots to write about, which I do, did I guess, I don't know...I'll talk to you all later.


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