Gil (fenyx) wrote,

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Reading is optional.

It's fucking incredible how things just seem to revolve a certain topic or theme. Lately I've been writing/ranting/bitching about being the bigger person. I did it on Friday, I'm going to do it with a certain person, and I have to do it constantly at work. Now, as much as I hate it, I have to do it here at home.

I always take shit from everyone, and as much as people may think that's it great not to pay rent, to live at home or whatever. I don't stay because of that. I help out here, it's not a free ride, granted it's comfortable, but not all that comfortable. I'm also really scared that my dad isn't doing too well. He has a history of health problems to begin with, seems like half his organs have been removed, and now he's got this cough that he hasn't seemed to be able to shake for about a month. I also know that mom would hate me moving out. I just don't know how much more shit I can take. I get it from kids at work, from crazy co-workers, your average person on the street, but I don't want to get it where I live. I just can't deal with my brother anymore. He's an asshole, plain and simple. A fucking jobless mooch.

Granted I'm saying this out of anger, but it's true. He gives everyone shit, he thinks that the world owes him something, and I always defer to him. Why? So as not to upset my parents, especially my father. We just got into a huge fight and I'm on the verge of telling my parents I'm moving out, but they came back from the park so happy. He was golfing and mom was with the cousins at Little League.

I'm so fucking charged, enraged even, but I'm going to have to swallow it. I couldn't even eat dinner, I was so fucking pissed off. Having to hold it in, it fucking sucks. But I couldn't do it, have of it is that they need me here, I also am always afraid to aggravate my father. He could be that sick you know, God knows that just like me, he's stubborn, he'd never tell us. Fucking Latinos.

A few nights ago I had a nightmare that he had passed away and I woke up like in a cold sweat/shaking kind of deal. I'm not used to people dying, I don't have much experience with it at all. I guess that's a good thing, everyone should be so lucky. I'm just afraid I won't know how to deal with it when the time comes.

Fuckin' aggravated, but I know I'm going to eat it, who knows what he'll think, but one thing's for sure. It feels like I backed down again. Maybe I should just move. I've got a week to go at work, then I'll have all the time in the world to look and move. I'll feel like I'm abandoning them though, I know, I have to do it sometime. Fuck. I don't need this right now. I almost feel like starting shit up again...

Then fucking work. Life sucks, get over it. I have fuckin' Rainman sitting next to me all day just rocking back and forth. Silent and with a numb look on her face. Then picking up lunch, I have to put in $14 because someone didn't put in. I got it when I returned, but what if I didn't have enough on me to cover it. Ugh!

I'm sure I had more shit to write about, other things, maybe of more importance or interest. I apologize profusely. That's probably why I'm losing all my readers, heh. Maybe I'll be back later when I'm not as charged.

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