Gil (fenyx) wrote,

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Feliz Dia de los Muertos

I guess today is technically dia de los angelitos, for infants and children. We really don't celebrate it up north, but I'm still fascinated by it. Say a prayer, take a moment, spill a 40, whatever you do to remember those that have moved on.

I'm going to attempt to write everyday this month. For posterity, and just to have something to do. Maybe it will help me find myself, or at least help me get back to the "Gil" I once was.

I ended up missing the show last night. Partially due to work, partially due to a last minute costume/transportation snafu. I hate my job, I hate the responsibility, I hate my co-workers. The money's good, I can't complain about the hours, and I do feel some sort of accomplishment, hell almost happy. when I do help the occasional student. It just sucks that I don't believe my own hype. Things will get better, you are smart enough, good enough. Keep at it champ! Eventually things will turn your way. I hear myself telling the kids all these things and more, but a part of me is thinking that I'm such a hypocrite.

Fuckin' Friends is distracting me, I was never really a fan but Joey's freakin' high-lair-e-ous. So anyway, with the whole writing everyday thing, I'm going to be sorting through some shit, telling a lot of boring stories, and probably putting you all to sleep. I've also been toying with the idea of a picture a day, like some other people like to do. (i.e.-photo_a_day) Maybe I'll start that in Decemeber or when the new year starts, since I haven't taken a pic as of yet today. Possibly a new lj for it, or something, I don't know, find somewhere to host it all, probably photobucket...I'm rambling. Let's start with today:

First of all, I woke up with the usual case of the "Mondays" not knowing what to wear, and pissed off about Sunday. Of course it's also my late day so I have to remember to bring my chess set along, I throw it in my bag along with this|23387|23388|23393 which then proceeds to roll out of my bag and onto the hardwood floor in my living room. Fuckin' Lexan my ass. Sure the bottle didn't break but the cap's not made of Lexan is it, nope that's cheap plastic. Needless to say there was a small lake in my living room, minutes before I'm supposed to be punching in. Did I mention it was raining outside? So work, I get to work and it's the usual. Printer's jamming, co-workers not knowing how to switch queues, etc. Nothing special, nothing eventful.

I do the after school thing, sneak into the engineer's office to fax my hours in, and head on home. In the rain. I had, umm...still have some errands to do, of course I slacked. Played a little GTA, had a great dinner and then I got a call. The theme lately has been double edged. Everything seems to be bittersweet, nothing is really worth getting excited about because it's all going to come crashing down. Eventually. Most of you can tell I'm not in a happy place right now, just not content. Now, there's nothing extraordinary bad going on, I know things can get worse, but I'm still not where I want to be, or with who I'd like to be. Granted I'm not doing much about it, but believe me, if I knew what the right course of action was, I'd take it. Anyway, it's was just really nice to talk to someone who knows me so well, hell, maybe better than I know myself. Even if it means I have to be reminded of certain events, of the past. The pain it may drudge up is well worth hearing a laugh, or picturing a smile, or just knowing that I'm not going through this shit alone.

Why is it that there are some things you can't tell anyone, not even to yourself. Maybe you'll be judged, or it will feel awkward, or you just don't trust anyone. But there's always that one person, who can see right through you, who you can tell anything. The one who can tell you that everything's going to be all right and actually gets you to believe it. *shakes it off* Anyway, it was a really great conversation and I really miss her sometimes.

So here I am, staring at this blinking cursor, contemplating life, reminiscing about the past, and wondering what the future holds. If I try real hard, just for a second, everything seems okay.

*smiles for a second*

Okay, tomorrow's a half-day, we've got voters coming into the school and we're getting off to vote. I should do the cool, hip, responsible thing to do and tell you guys to go out and vote. The thing is, here in Illinois at least, it makes no difference. It's a locked Kerry state, so he's got it in the bag regardless. Let's say I'm a Bush man (which I am, oh wait...that's not what I meant, heh) it's absolutely useless, he's not going to win IL. Maybe it's just me and my cynical point of view, I will go out on a limb though, regardless of the odds against him, and what everyone's saying...I think Bush is going to repeat. Voter fraud, finding Osama tonight, I don't know how it will happen but he's going to be back, and nothing's going to change. Sometimes I think that we're too dependent on this "Democracy" of ours. What are we waiting for? Bush, Kerry, Nader, what's it matter? If we REALLY want to change things, if you want things to change, then go out there and fucking change them, don't wait for the government to set a policy or tell you, tell us what to do, go out there and just do it.

Oh, I wish I lived in Alaska, I'd sooooo be voting to legalize it...heh. Don't get me started.

Alright, I've rambled on long enough, I will talk/chat/hang with you soon.


Jesus Gilberto Noriega II

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