How've I been? I've been in hell, that's how I've fucking been. My back's killing me for some reason, I don't get enough sleep, I'm still fucking sick. I haven't heard from you in days/weeks/months/years. So I'm sure you really care. I hate most of my co-workers, I can't seem to make a good decision lately, and I haven't written anything even close to productive in over a year. If I'm not busy numbing myself with alcohol, I'm trying to distract myself by watching movies, television, or killing a lot of people. In a video game, of course, because if I went around killing everyone that got on my nerves, A) there wouldn't be a lot of you assholes left and B) I'd probably end up in prison. Other than that, I'm counting down the days left in this Godforsaken year, I'm not even sure why because 2005 is probably going to suck even more. Can you believe all shit happens to me, even with my sparkling, positive attitude? How are you doing?
Why do we feel the need to be polite to each other? I sometimes go as far as replying "eh..I'm okay". At least that's not saying good, or God forbid "GREAT!". It's like we're all conditioned to protect each other, or shield each other. Granted with strangers, or people you don't know very well, it's what we're accustomed to. I don't want to hear how shitty your life's going if I don't know you. I don't fucking care, I got my own problems. But if you're my FRIEND, it's okay, you can tell me that you're hung over, PMS'ing, or you fucking hate my guts. Especially when that's who's asking you, the very person putting you through the emotional vise, your tormentor, the one who could make it all way. Watching her lips spell out the words before you even hear them. You reply without hesitation, "Good."
In other news, gender roles. I guess I'm a walking cliche. Look, I'm all about equality and fairness, I really am. But it is so fucking wrong to want to be a gentleman? I can't open a door for someone, walk them to their car, or buy them a drink without being thought of as a male chauvinist. Not all the time granted, but what the hell, it was the way I was raised. The fairer sex, being a man, etc. So what if I fucking love watching the Cubs, football, stupid action flicks and "doing guy shit". Does that mean I can't have a predilection for silent film as well? A penchant for good poetry? Can't enjoy a good play as much as a good game? I don't even remember where this is coming from anymore, but it's akin to liking Hip Hop and Rap Music. Why can't someone enjoy listening to Mos Def and Cypress Hill and still rock out to Metallica and Local H? Eh, maybe I'm preaching to the choir or comparing apples and oranges or something.
Is it a "guy thing" to have issues with people's pasts? I've touched on this before, and maybe it's got to do with insecurities, maybe it's just "macho bullshit" but there are things I just can't let go of. Is it that I have something to prove? Or can't I just accept that I wasn't good enough? There are certain things in this world that you cannot control, it's out of your hands, I know that. Is it like with phobias, women are more likely to accept or give in I guess, to the fact that they can't control certain things. One of the reasons while they're twice as prevalent in women than men, does the whole macho BS thing make us less susceptible to fear but at the same time more difficult to accept that which we cannot change? It's like things I've heard at work, about people, and also about myself, thing's I've done, that I'm not necessarily proud of. I can't change them, I know that, but they, it, still bugs me. I watched "Chasing Amy" earlier today, I love that movie, sometimes I think it's Kevin's best work. The one theme that always gets me is dealing with the past. Making mistakes, some which you will regret, and not taking that step, making that leap. Coming to the realization too late. Not seizing the moment. I've just got a lot of shit spinning my wheels lately...
I guess what I'm saying is that I know, I am aware that I can be "such a guy" sometimes, and frankly I'm not apologizing for it.
I am who I am, take it or leave it. That being said, I'm going to grab a beer and watch the Bears game.